10 Keys To Therapeutic Parenting

Based on insights from trauma-informed experts Edwina Grant and David King.

• 1. Connection Comes Before Correction

Children with relational trauma must feel seen and safe before they can hearguidance. Slow down. Connect emotionally before discussing behaviour.

• 2. Behaviour is Communication

What looks like defiance or aggression is often a child's way of expressing pain, fear, or confusion. Always ask yourself: What’s underneath this behaviour?

• 3. Emotional Regulation is the First Step

Children cannot think or reflect when dysregulated. Use Bruce Perry’s 3 R’s:

Regulate → Relate → Reason - in that order.

• 4. Safety Unlocks Curiosity

Children need to feel emotionally safe before they can explore

themselves or others. Curiosity is a sign of healing - nurture it gently.

• 5. Intersubjectivity Builds Identity

A child learns who they are through your eyes. Shared joy, sadness,

and presence (“You and me, here and now”) shape their self-worth.

• 6. The ‘Two Hands’ of Parenting Matter

One hand accepts and soothes; the other sets gentle, loving boundaries. You

can accept the child and their feelings - even if you can’t accept their behaviour.

• 7. Fake Compliance Can Be a Trauma Response

What looks like “I’m sorry” or “I love you” may be fawning - a survival strategy,

not a heartfelt feeling. Stay patient and attuned.

• 8. Repetition and Repair Heal the Brain

Many traumatised children don’t remember their actions when dysregulated.

Repetition, reflection, and gentle repair are essential - not shame or blame.

• 9. Joy is Not Optional - It’s Healing

Children need adults who delight in them. Even amidst challenges, seek

moments of shared joy. It’s the fuel for resilience.

• 10. Therapeutic Parenting is a Team Sport

You’re not alone. The journey is hard - but shared understanding, professional

support, and peer connection can make all the difference.