The Truth About ‘Difficult Children’

Family Talk: Sarah Naish joins Lucy Johnston to explore trauma, boundaries, screens and what children’s behaviour may really be trying to tell us.

By Lucy Johnston, host of Care Visions Family Talk

Children need strong boundaries

Sarah is blunt. She believes that many parents have become too gentle and are trying to manage behaviour without setting sufficiently clear boundaries.

“Gentle parenting is not good for children — any child, securely attached or not.”

“All our children need strong boundaries,” Sarah says. “They need to know that we, as the adults, are the parents. We’re not their friend.”

Without that clarity, she argues, children can feel less secure rather than more secure. They may push boundaries, test limits and struggle to regulate their emotions because the edges around them are unclear.

Gentle parenting and therapeutic parenting are not the same

Part of the problem, Sarah says, is that many parents confuse gentle parenting with therapeutic parenting.

They are not the same thing.

Gentle parenting can become overly child-led, with plenty of empathy but too few ground rules.

Therapeutic parenting, by contrast, looks beneath the behaviour rather than simply reacting to it.

Instead of asking, “How do I stop this behaviour?”, the adult asks, “What is driving it?”

A child who breaks a rule may be seeking connection, testing boundaries, expressing fear or communicating something they do not yet have the words to say.

The behaviour still needs to be addressed. But understanding comes before correction.

Calm, consistent and confidently in charge

That principle applies to all children.

Children need structure. They need consistency. They need adults who are calm and confidently in charge.

For children who have experienced trauma, neglect or loss, however, the picture is often even more complex.

“They live on the crashing plane,” Sarah says. “They’re interested in surviving the plane crash right now.”

In that state, warnings, consequences and future rewards often fail to land because the brain is focused on survival.

“There is no later,” she explains. “There’s only now.”

Why consequences do not always work

This helps explain why some children appear not to learn from consequences.

For many children who have experienced trauma, the basic link between cause and effect may not have developed in the way adults expect.

If a baby cried and nobody came, the world felt unpredictable and unsafe.

As a result, children may need to learn those connections later through consequences that are immediate, consistent and directly connected to what has happened.

“It’s actually a kind thing,” Sarah says.

Behaviour can reveal an unmet need

At the heart of Sarah’s approach is a simple but powerful idea.

“What your child is showing you through their behaviour, they are showing you their unmet need.”

Children cannot always explain what is wrong.

“They can’t say, ‘When I was a baby, I was left on my own and I was really scared.’”

Instead, those feelings emerge through behaviour.

A child waking repeatedly during the night may not be trying to be difficult. They may be frightened.

A child who constantly seeks attention may be trying to fill a gap they cannot describe.

Even a child repeatedly throwing themselves off a slide may be seeking sensory input, connection or a sense of control.

The behaviour still matters. But understanding the reason behind it changes how adults respond.

Are screens changing children’s behaviour?

Sarah also believes modern technology is creating new challenges for children.

“We’re seeing what I would call a virtual autism and a virtual Attention Deficit Disorder — ADHD.”

She argues that smartphones, social media and constant digital stimulation are reshaping children’s behaviour and attention.

Children are spending less time interacting face-to-face, less time coping with boredom and less time learning how to regulate themselves without external stimulation.

As a result, some children may begin to display behaviours that resemble ADHD, even when the underlying causes may be environmental.

“I’m absolutely pro getting children off social media under the age of 16,” she says.

Parents are distracted by screens too

Children are not the only people affected by screens.

Sarah points to another uncomfortable reality: parents are often distracted too.

Adults absorbed by their phones may not realise the impact that divided attention can have on a child.

Children still need connection, eye contact and emotional availability.

If they do not receive that consistently, they will often find other ways to ask for it.

“My children taught me everything I know”

Sarah speaks from experience.

Before adopting her five children, she believed she understood behaviour.

“Supernanny had nothing on me,” she jokes.

“I didn’t have a clue.”

“My children taught me everything I know, basically.”

Her experience changed how she understood children, parenting and the meaning behind behaviour.

Be the unassailable safe base

In the end, Sarah’s message is not about being stricter or softer.

It is about being steady.

“You’ve got to be the unassailable safe base,” she says.

“I know you’re struggling at the moment. I’m here when you need me.”

“It’s exhausting, but it is very worthwhile.”

This conversation goes far beyond foster care or adoption. It raises bigger questions about parenting, behaviour, boundaries, trauma, screens and connection.

Because if behaviour is telling us something, perhaps the real question is not whether children are becoming more difficult.

It is whether we are truly listening to what they are trying to tell us.