26 July 2025
Helping Children Heal from Trauma: A Guide to Therapeutic Parenting with Carly Kingswood
Caring for a child who shows aggression, violence or withdrawal can be one of the toughest challenges a foster carer, adopter, or residential worker faces. You may wonder: Why is this happening? What’s driving these outbursts? How do I keep both my child and others safe - and still build trust?
In this Care Visions Family Talk podcast, trauma therapist and author Carly Kingswood shares guidance that blends deep professional knowledge with lived experience as a foster carer. Her advice shows that aggressive behaviour is not the child being “bad,” but often a response to trauma - and there are practical steps carers can take to help.
Why aggression, violence or withdrawal happens
Aggression is often the outward sign of inner fear or hurt. Many children in care have experienced complex trauma - repeated experiences that taught them the world wasn’t safe. This can include neglect, abuse, bullying, loss, separation, discrimination, illness, or even in-utero trauma. These imprints can last into childhood and adolescence, even when a child appears safe now.
How trauma shapes behaviour
Children often develop “body memories” stored in the nervous system. A safe situation may still trigger panic, rage or withdrawal. Carly explains: “Sometimes children have big feelings in situations we know are safe - but their body doesn’t know that.”
The Zones of Regulation
Green zone – Calm, safe, able to learn and connect
Amber zone – Tension rising: early signs of fight-or-flight
Red zone – Full rage or violence
Blue Zone – Shut down: withdrawn, silent, sometimes dissociated
Children in red or blue zones can’t reason or listen. At those moments, your tone and presence matter more than your words. Just as important: knowing your own zone. If you stay in green, your child has a better chance of returning there too.
Practical Tools for Carers
- Lead with curiosity, not judgement
“I wonder if that loud noise frightened you.” · “I’m not sure why this feels so hard, but I see it does.” - Build safety into daily life
Food always available · safety walk before term · secret signals. - Keep words short, tone calm
“You’re safe. I’m here. This isn’t okay, but we’ll get through it.” - Offer escape valves
Walks, time alone, music to cool off. - Repair afterwards
Notice small gestures; tie consequences to empathy.
The PACE Approach
Playfulness – gentle humour or lightness to create joy and hope
Acceptance – accepting their feelings, even if their actions weren’t okay
Curiosity – wondering about their inner world instead of assuming
Empathy – showing you understand their pain, before moving to problem-solving
Together, these help children move from survival to connection.
You Can’t Do This Alone
No carer should face this journey without support. Build a “team” of help: a friend for short breaks, someone for practical tasks, a companion for you, and a neighbour you can text for a quick circuit-breaker visit.
One Small Step You Can Try Tomorrow
Slow it down. Use a short note or text instead of a heated exchange. Say “I need five minutes to think before I answer.” Give space for both you and the child to calm before continuing.
Final Thought
Aggression doesn’t mean a child is “bad.” It often means they are frightened, ashamed, or overwhelmed by past experiences — whether those happened in the womb, in their first months of life, or much later in childhood.
With curiosity, empathy, and consistent care, foster carers and adopters can help children begin to believe they are safe.
As Carly reminds us: “Our job as carers is to create safety in every moment of every day.”
For more guidance, see Carly’s book The Unofficial Guide to Therapeutic Parenting for Childhood Aggression and Violence.