Family Talk with Sue Palmer: Love, Play, and Rebuilding the Village

Thoughts from a Care Visions Family Talk with Dr Linda DeCaestecker and Sue Palmer

What’s Changed in Modern Childhood?

After eight years of research, Sue reached a striking conclusion: it wasn’t just one thing going on. “It was loads and loads of different things that were to do with the fact that our culture was changing really rapidly.” This was the concept behind her book, Toxic Childhood.

Sue says three forces reshaped children’s lives: the explosion of technology, the rise of global consumerism, and the changing role of women. She calls the 1980s the “perfect storm” for childhood.

“It was this incredible speed of change driven by technology, the triumph of global consumerism as the driving force of the planet, and the changing role of women.”

While more mothers entered paid work – “which was absolutely right” – she says communities lost much of the shared childcare knowledge that had once been passed between generations. “An awful lot of the wisdom that women had – that was just what women did with children – got lost.”

Why Play Is Essential, Not Optional

Her research led to the 2006 bestseller Toxic Childhood and, later, Upstart Scotland, which campaigns for a play-based “kindergarten stage” from ages 3–7.

Play, she explains, isn’t a luxury but is “essential to healthy development”.

She said: “The definition of play is that it’s intrinsically motivated, that it’s active, that it’s coming from the child. It’s the biological drive to learn and to find out about the world you’re in and your place in it.”

For most of human history that meant outdoors, active and social play. Today it’s often replaced by toys, screens and passive entertainment, which she describes as commercial “junk entertainment”.

Her advice is simple: “My two ingredients for a healthy childhood are love and play. I mean, it’s not hard. That’s what they always got – the lucky ones.”

Rethinking Early Schooling

Sue believes formal schooling at five comes too early. She says the so-called attainment gap between rich and poor children is really a development gap: “Spoken language and problem-solving are both developmental. You don’t need to teach them – if children get the right sorts of experiences, they just develop.”

Testing five-year-olds in literacy and numeracy, she says, “was the very last, worst possible thing you can do.”

She wants early years childcare and education to focus on holistic development – physical, social, emotional and cognitive – so children are ready to learn later.

“You do not have to start learning to read and write at any particular age... In Finland and Switzerland they don’t make a fuss about it till seven, and the kids learn in no time.”

The Power of Love and Attachment

Sue draws on attachment science to explain why early love matters so much: “When you know someone loves you, then you feel lovable. And if you feel lovable, that’s going to affect the way you think the world will relate to you.”

She quotes psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner: “Someone’s got to be crazy about that kid. That’s first, last and always.”

For foster carers, she says, showing warmth and consistency is everything. “They’ll know because you want to spend time with them, you’re interested in what they’ve got to say, you take their opinion into account. But at the same time you’re also the grown-up, so they feel safe with you.”

Screens, Smartphones and AI – Setting Boundaries

Sue accepts we can’t turn back the clock on the advent of screens and smart phones, but urges clear boundaries on allowing children to use the technology: “Up to the age of two, as little as possible... Don’t give them a phone until you absolutely have to.”

Her favourite tip came from an IT lecturer: “They’ve got a technology basket in the hall – at meal times and family times everybody sticks all their devices in the basket.”

She advises no phones in bedrooms and locking them away overnight. Adults, she adds, should model healthy habits themselves.

Sue also warns about AI chatbots appearing on social media. “If you’re feeling miserable, it’s there to support you,” she says, “but it doesn’t say, ‘Go and talk to your mum,’ or ‘Ring Childline.’ It just keeps saying, ‘Yeah, that’s awful for you,’ and it’s making them worse.”

Food, Marketing and Children’s Health

Nutrition is also key to her research. The food industry, she argues, “is pumping so much rubbish into children.” One nutritionist gave her a rule she still uses: “I go on eighty-twenty with my own kids – I reckon if I’m getting eighty percent of decent food down them, then twenty percent rubbish probably won’t do much damage.”

She believes the marketing industry should fund public-health campaigns, to counter the advertising budgets aimed at children.

Rebuilding the Village

Parents today often tell Sue they can’t let children play freely – too much traffic, too few familiar neighbours, complaints from others.

But she says these problems can be overcome: “Build your village of friends... getting to know people, sharing responsibility, making sure that you or somebody gets outdoors with some of the kids as often as possible, and colonising local green spaces.”

Modern life, Sue says, piles huge pressure on families, but what carers are doing is incredibly important.

Her final encouragement is simple and hopeful: “Just love them and let them play as much as possible. And don’t worry too much about the mess – it’s much more important that you love them.”