Staying Steady in Teenage Storms: A Compass for Parents and Carers

I n this Family Talk, hosted by public health doctor, Linda de Caestecker, internationally renowned researcher and lecturer Dr David Reilly and Care Visions operations manager Mark Nelis explored one of the toughest challenges for parents and carers: how to stay steady when teenagers test boundaries, push back, and create storms at home.

“Parenting teenagers can feel like sailing through a storm without a map,” said Dr David Reilly. His advice? If there’s no map, you need a compass - a set of guiding values to help you steer.

“It’s tough, it’s tough stuff,” he told the audience. “You can’t order the waves to stop. So how do we become a better sailor in the storm?”

Awareness · Acceptance · Action

Dr Reilly offered three compass points for parents and carers: awareness, acceptance, and action.

Why teens “lose it”: the science

He began with science. The human brain isn’t fully developed until the mid-20s. In teenagers, the “top-down pathways” from the frontal cortex - the part that calms our instinctive reactions - are still weak. That’s why “when we get into these triggered states, we literally sort of lose ourselves.”

For children with adverse experiences, these pathways are even weaker. Their amygdala - the brain’s threat scanner - is enlarged. “Don’t go looking for reasonable behaviour,” Dr Reilly said. Shouting won’t work. It only makes things worse, pushing a child further into alarm.

Awareness: notice, label, own

Instead, parents must become aware of their own triggers. “Notice it, label it, own it inside yourself,” he urged. That awareness creates space to choose a different response.

To illustrate the power of perception, he shared an analogy: imagine stepping on a snake in long grass. Panic floods your body - until you realise it’s just a rope. Instantly, your whole system calms. “Where the mind leads, the body follows,” he said. Shifting perception changes everything.

Acceptance: storms are normal

The second compass point is accepting teenage storms as normal. “No teenager has to go to a class to learn how to storm or lose it,” Dr Reilly joked. “It’s intrinsic… it’s supposed to be happening. There’s nothing going wrong here.”

He compared it to the weather: if you go out in the rain but refuse to accept it, you just end up miserable. “I think a much more powerful situation is to say, ‘So this is the way of it.’” Acceptance doesn’t mean passivity, but it helps parents respond without adding fuel to the fire.

Action: model calm, build connection

From awareness and acceptance comes action. Here, Dr Reilly stressed the importance of being a role model. “How we are handling it is the role model that will be forming in the map of their mind.” Teens are watching how adults react, and those lessons stick.

Practical steps include taking space during heated moments, practising daily calm through mindfulness, and avoiding advice until “join up” - a mutual sense of connection - has been established. “There’ll be no new story until the old story has been honoured,” he explained. Listening deeply and validating feelings builds trust.

Compassion for them—and for you

Compassion, he said, is not just for the child but for the parent too. “The person that benefits most from coming from a root of compassion is the person who’s feeling the compassion.” He urged parents to treat themselves with the same care they would give a beloved pet or small child. “Most of us wouldn’t dream of treating a dog the way we treat ourselves.”

Asked if it’s ever too late to change, Dr Reilly was clear: “It’s never too late to begin a healing process… We can start again.”

The compass he offered - awareness, acceptance, action - means that while parents can’t calm the storm, they can learn to steer with steadiness, compassion, and hope.

Practice on the ground: Mark Nelis

Care Visions Operations Manager Mark Nelis grounded the session in day-to-day fostering realities. He pictured the compass as being “lost in the dark and trying to return to some kind of base, or return home. Where you feel safest, where you feel, you know, and yourself.” And he said: “Pick your battles,” yes - but also “it’s picking when you have your battles… where you have your battles.”

And he discussed de-escalation: “Let them have their say. Let them have their rant.” On modelling humility he said: be “willing to reflect on the spot and take a bit of responsibility and accountability for maybe getting it wrong.” He smiled at how grace can be uneven at home: “How many times I forgave my dog within 2 min of it chewing something up… but you know, the kids get a harder time.” What works over time? “Persistence over resistance.”

For carers, support isn’t optional. He said: “Peer support groups,” “linking in with mentors,” and strong “support networks.” Fostering “is not for me a job you can do on your own… you need a break.” The system pressures are real: carers can feel “under a microscope,” which “does impact a carer… and self-care is out the window,” he added.